


The Turning Point

by ghosteye99



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: 1st person internal monologue, F/M, Gen, Jossed, Wangst, slightly jossed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-06
Updated: 2013-01-06
Packaged: 2017-11-23 21:26:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/626691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghosteye99/pseuds/ghosteye99
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is the year 1981 – The young Death-Eater Severus Snape is waiting for Dumbledore in Hogsmeade. He has made the decision to leavet of Voldemort's service, but he needs somewhere to go. There is also another reason that is very important to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Turning Point

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic (written as a first-person mental monologue) was originally finished May 31 2005, and was based on some thoughts I had on the reasons that would have motivated Snape to leave Voldemort. Timeline sources: The Harry Potter Lexicon
> 
> Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling is the creator and true owner of the characters and setting in this story. No monetary gain is being made by theis story, and no infringement of copyright or other harm is intended.

I'm leaving them - now that I have made the decision as far as I am concerned the matter is final. I had my doubts about them for a long time, pondering whether and how I should escape. But when I found out they were going after her, I knew then that I could stay no longer. I'm waiting now to meet the one person who can help me to escape, who can give me another chance so I can start over.

Hard as it is for me to go back to my past for succour, I do not believe that I have any other choice in the matter. I cannot help her from where I am now, and I want her to live, more than anything else that is dear to me. If anything happens to her ... I will not forgive those who harmed her, or caused her to be in this danger - ever. I feel nothing in my mark - that is good, the Dark Lord does not want me right now. I must be grateful for such small mercies.

Outside the sun is shining on the streets of Hogsmeade, and I sit here by myself in the dark going over the things I need to tell him while waiting for his arrival. He won't trust me - I've known Dumbledore for too long and he is not and has never been a fool. And I do not have much left about me that he should trust. If things had been different, I am sure I would have just left them anyway and tried to make it alone until things settled down ... but things are not that way, Lily is being hunted - and I shall not be joining them this time.

I keep thinking back to that day when she spoke to me with kindness for the last time. I did not then know how terrible that day was for me. That was something I came to understand later, after I was passed over by the girls of my house for those of greater charisma and wealth than I could offer. When the loneliness of my situation had enough time to burn into me, after I sat alone, watching others meet, go away together.

While remembering that there was one once who did care to reach out to me. And I struck her away like a stupid boy. Struck her away because she was a mudblood even though I was no better … having a wretched Muggle for a father. I had turned away my only chance that day, and I can blame nobody this time but myself.

Only then did I understand the true horror of that day was, and I have been haunted by that knowing ever since. As for Slytherin ... never could I dare challenge any of my brethren for a share of the attentions they received - for to do so would have caused them to shut me out. That was something I could not afford to chance. Bad enough as it was for me to be attacked by those accursed Griffindors at school, it would have been the end for me if even my own house cast me aside.

And yes, I followed them when the Dark Lord gave his call, even killed my very own Muggle to earn the brand that will now be my curse. Yes, killed. I think to myself; Severus, are you really still surprised at yourself, that you found you could actually bring yourself to do this? How did you feel when you cornered that Muggle ... no, that man in the alleyway? How did you feel when you hexed him like a fly? What satisfaction did the look of terror in his eyes give you? None? Did you feel anything, Severus, when you did that? Nothing?

He was just a Muggle after all, was he not? A futureless nobody just like yourself, who - when they found him sprawled in the gutter that you left him in, would have simply put his death down to an overdose of some recreational Muggle poison - and cared no further? Could you see yourself ending up like that Muggle one day, Severus? - Unless you returned to the Dark Lord with a trophy of your worth to Him, a trophy that you could salve your pride with by having him accept you.

Was it enough for you to hear Him giggle once when he extracted the shade of your victim from your wand? Did it prove again to yourself that you were something better than a useless crying brat?

And Lily? Can I stand to visualise her as the next one to lie in that gutter, killed for the sake of the boy she has borne to my Enemy? (now I need to close my eyes - I must stop that train of thought before I lose composure – I need to remain calm for him when he comes) … and I think once again to myself: see where your own pride - your arrogance – your _cowardice_ has led you?

I remind myself once again that I will need every skill of concealment that I possess to keep this one secret from Dumbledore when he comes (he should not be long now). If he ever learns that I have been a killer, I am certain he will never take me in – no matter how useful I may otherwise be to him.

If that happened, there would be no more shelter for me - and no chance either to help keep _her_ safe. And the boy (will he have her eyes? Her looks? Her nature? or will he grow to become more like ... _Potter?_ )

I will need to let him read the rest of me, so that he would understand my reasons. And that will be hard. I would rather be known as a man above emotion. I wish that I could make that true about myself …Letting one such as he – whom I respect more than many in this world – see for himself what I would prefer to keep secret … it is not something that I am looking forward to.

But for her sake, I will endure it. It will be hard - and I think about how much of my life has been guided, decided and ruined by my own weakness. If it had not been for my outburst on that day, maybe it would have even been me with Lily now, her name joined with mine instead of ... Potter's.

I could have been the one to take her into my arms tonight, to be able to look into her eyes once more, and see love instead of the distant look she spares for me now. Could I have made a more competent protector for her than _him_ , that strutting arrogant git that she married ... no, I must stop dwelling on things like that - I must leave it for another time, when I am more alone.

I must stay composed - he will be here soon. I will not be much better than my enemy if I let pride rule me today, if I don't do this right then I will be finished and so will she. Even if I cannot have her now I want her to live, I too want to live ... composure! I can see Dumbledore in the street! He has responded to my call for help and now I must be ready. I must control myself just enough. I need to ensure that he will only see what I must let him see … please, for Merlin's sake - please let this plan work...

Please, let it be that she lives.

**-End-**


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